If you're over 30, you'll remember how difficult it was to find out about or meet your teenage crush. You would wait for hours, maybe after school, to see him or her pass by. Or you would hang around the same bar, hoping that he or she would drop by for a drink. Nowadays, all you need to do is log onto social media and type in a name. Immediately, that person's entire life will be splashed across your screen.

There is a positive side to this. You might realise that you were fooled by the person's appearance and that he or she is not really your type, after all. However, relying on social media to meet and to get to know someone, and even to start a relationship, isn't necessarily a good thing. Over-reliance on social media can turn into addiction and a substitute for life experience in the offline world.

Experts define 'cyber addicts' as people who repeatedly spend more time on cyber activities than they originally planned to, and who persist in their habit despite significant negative consequences on their lives, especially when they risk their relationships, their jobs and their health. Others might even become obsessed or preoccupied with these activities instead of focusing on other aspects of their life. If you spend around 12 hours a week chatting online with virtual strangers or hooking up with people for sexual reasons, consider yourself an addict.

A&H met three persons who spend long hours on the internet, two of them because of their jobs. We asked them whether it is easier to meet new people online, both acquaintances and strangers, than it was in pre-internet days.

*All names have been changed to protect our interviewees' identity.

Kurt*, 24 years old, works in the gaming industry 

"I work about 10 hours a day, six days a week. My laptop is my office companion, so it is natural for me to use social media to communicate with the outside world. I plan my day literally thanks to my keyboard. I plan outings with friends, I book holidays, I do my shopping, I pay my bills and yes....I plan dates. Usually, my friends already know my date's history before even the actual date day, because through social media, no one's life is private anymore.

In fact, lately, I am trying to get to know better the girls whose photos are blocked and whose profiles you can't easily access. I enjoy getting to know them better through chatting and then actually calling. My friends tend to call me 'traditional' but now I am 24, so I can hardly consider myself a teenager any more. I've never had any negative experiences, but I know of people who were tricked by false profiles and non-existent dates. There were lots of jokes about this among my friends.

I believe that we need to educate people more regarding the dangers of cyber crimes and cyber sex. I really can't understand what fun the latter is. How can you enjoy yourself talking to a monitor especially if you don't know who the person talking to you really is?  It's maybe because I spend so much time in front of a monitor or perhaps because I was always lucky in the real world, that I never had the need to please myself with these acts. People with this sort of problem should seek psychological help before they ruin their life."

Elena*, 30 years old, works in an accounting company

"I work long hours and, at times, I take some work home to finish off so I also spend long hours in front of my computer. At times, I realise that it is already early morning, and I would have spent hours literally wasting time talking to strangers, with the intention of getting to know them, and yes, to feel good about myself.

Strangers who talk to you after browsing your profile don't find it difficult to flirt, to tell you things about yourself that you would like to hear. I've been in a relationship these last four years and, at times, it seems we take each other for granted. We no longer kiss and embrace each other at every occasion, and my boyfriend doesn't even realise nowadays that I have changed my look.

Hearing certain comments from someone else makes you feel good. Whether or not I'll date someone I meet on social media, I don't know really. I don't think I will take that risk since I am in a relationship, but if I were single, I would think about it.

Online, you meet all sorts of people. Some just want to befriend you and others want more from you. How I deal with them depends on my mood. At times, I keep on the conversation just for the fun of it. Sometimes, I just log off.  It's all about controlling oneself."

Bernard*, 36 years old, shop owner

"Social media changed my life completely. I met my wife-to-be through social media about three years ago. I had just failed in another relationship and felt so lonely. In the evenings, I used to spend hours surfing the web, trying to meet new people and make new friends.

For a shy person like me, it was not easy to go out and meet people - complete strangers - face to face. I met hundreds on the web, including married women who were ready to meet me and even have sex with me. But I wanted something more serious.

In fact, my now fiancée Gabby still jokes about it when she says that it took me nearly three months to meet her. We were lucky but I know of others who ruined their lives due to cyber sex.  I am sure it can affect you psychologically in a negative way. It can ruin marriages and it can ruin even one's job. I believe that more education is needed, especially with the younger ones, and help centres need to be set up in different areas around the island for those who are trapped in this vice."

 

A&H says.....

Being addicted to cyber sex causes great problems not only for the addict but also to those around him or her. Partners feel betrayed and emotionally abandoned if they discover that their partner has a secret online sex life. Experts confirm that to rebuild trust takes time and the betrayed partner needs space and time to express his or her anger. It is suggested that couples consider counseling, or a couples' support group, to help work through the rough times. 

One of the main myths regarding cyber sex is that it's mainly men who go looking for it. However, research shows that men tend to seek out help more often than women, who usually have difficulty admitting they have a problem. Cyber sex has drawbacks and the price to pay can be sky high.Alone with only a computer and internet connection for physical company, cybersex participants are in fact isolated from real human contact. Real-life sex with a committed partner develops an intimacy that makes it much better than sex with an internet persona, a picture on a screen, or masturbation. We just need to work, be committed and faithful, to develop intimacy with a partner in the real world.